Sometimes I worry that HE loved me first. Not in a narcissistic, "Every boy in my life wants me" kind of way. In the plain and simple HE fell in love with me first sense. And the things about love is that once it's there, you're stuck with it. It's parasitic. Even if they won't admit it, I'd bet that most people still love someone they may have loved. Not that they want these people back... just in a weird sense of nostalgia and déjà vu , where your heart aches for something that it didn't even know it was missing. An old tee shirt in the closet or a bottle of shampoo that you forgot to throw away will suffice. The feelings they elicit are the ghosts of emotions. Refeeling something you used to feel in a removed state. In that sense, it's not that I don't think HE loves HER; HE does. Just not the way HE loves me. HE was by my side in the spring. HE told me when she dumped HIM and HE always played HIS new songs for me first. HE caught me when I passed out and I see the look on HIS face when HE sees me. I think that over time HE just began to see how unsuited I am to be in stable, committed relationship... what HE should be in with HER. THEY'RE perfect. HE and I would never work out. I've never loved HIM with anything more than the deep, heart-aching never-to-be-romantic love that is harder and more draining and more connecting than any other loves. I wish HE would love HER. It's hard knowing someone loves you and you will never feel the same and it's hard when that person knows it too. It's the way HE loves me. The way SHE loves HIM. It explains the vacation and the violent rejections from him and the other girl. he can't have me because YOU can't have me. Love should be a capsule or an injection. It's be much more manageable that way.
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September 2016
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